Yep, after my pity party blog I wrote last time this one is about how encouraged I am. Do I still painstakingly miss my son? Yes. Do I still grieve over this time apart and continually pray that he will be to his forever home ASAP? Absolutely. But let me tell you why this grief and sadness, oddly enough give me a little bit of comfort and encouragement. It goes back to God's awesome Word and it was delivered to my ears by this great pastor I know. You should go to this link and listen to it and tell all your friends to listen to it as well. Be ready to be convicted and maybe, like me, a little encouraged.
www.fchope.com/resources/podcast Click the January 8, 2012-The Movement-Series No. 14
PS if you're reading this because you're in the adoption world you should listen to the one from January 15th too.
So one morning last week I was feeling particularly sad so I went to the gym. May sound weird but it works for me. While I was running I listened to Jon Akin preach from Acts 7 & 8 about Stephen preaching this great sermon and the people stoning him to death. You're already encouraged, I know :) I came away with a few truths.
1. I am not really suffering at this moment. Yes I am sad at times, justifiably so. But as I was listening to this I was literally running on a treadmill. If I was suffering I would not have been able to run on a treadmill. (The other truths are not quite so obvious!)
2. Jesus does not promise or encourage a comfortable life. Stephen was stoned to death because he was being obedient to what God had called him to do. While the Bible does tell us to care for orphans and we are adopting out of obedience to what God has called us to do, it does not say adopt and the process will go smoothly and you'll have no heartache in it. This has been an incredibly hard journey at times, and this is the hardest part of it all. But there is hope in the third truth.
3. The third point in the sermon was What if being like Jesus means God uses your suffering for good? While we've already concluded that I am not really suffering, if I were going to call it that there is something very good that is going to come from it. We are being blessed with a son. Noah is given a forever family. And if we go beyond that I'll share something with you that happens frequently in the Jenkins family. Frequently, Dan prays that God will use our children to take the Gospel to the nations. Often he prays that Noah will come to know Christ and take the gospel back to Ethiopia and see his birth nation inherit eternal life. If I'm being honest, sometimes I cringe at this prayer because I would love to grow old and have all my children and grandchildren over for dinner every Sunday. But that's not a biblical truth. I'm trying to be more eternally minded like my husband. So this hard time, this crazy journey will not only bring a son into a family, it could eventually bring about people hearing about Jesus for the first time.
4.This time apart from Noah will soon end. My sweet friend (who is this pastor's wife) told me a day or two before I listened to this sermon that next Christmas will be here before we know it and we'll look back at this time as a quick blur. This time that I long for my son to be home is nothing compared to what we hope is an eternal impact on one little boy and all the people that he shares that with.
I'm not trying to compare my "suffering" with Stephen's suffering. I'm convicted about wanting to be more like Jesus. But my encouragement came in that adoption is not just about now. Raising kids in general is not just about getting them to 18 and hoping the best. It's about having an eternal impact on them. I'm encouraged that this time will soon pass and Noah will be home. I'm so thankful for the sweet Akin family and how they are such an encouragement to us and speak truth into our lives.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Court and Life After
December 22, 2011 will forever be a celebratory day in the Jenkins family. I was up so early that day with nervousness and excitement. I prayed Deuteronomy 10:17 & 18 for Noah, "For the Lord your God is the God of gods, and Lord of lords, the great, mighty, and awesome God, showing no partiality and taking no bribe. He executes justice for the fatherless and widow, and loves the foreigner, giving him food and clothing." I appealed to God's sovereignty and begged Him to give Noah justice that day as a fatherless child. God heard my prayer and that day around 10am Noah was no longer an orphan but a very loved son.
I have never been in a court room in the US and the only images in my mind are the ones on TV. This courthouse was nothing special. You could easily drive by it and not notice it. Up on the third floor we waited in a room lined with chairs with 50 other people. I wondered if any of the young women were there to relinquish rights to their child, I was heartbroken for them. We didn't wait long and soon all four families there with our agency were taken into a smaller room lined with chairs where we all sat down. A beautiful Ethiopian woman sat behind a very ordinary desk. The judge's "court room" was simple and sort of run down. She called out the names of our children. She asked all of us simple questions and we answered in unison. She explained how important it was that we know that this is irreversible and permanent (Praise the Lord!). She also encouraged us to teach our children about Ethiopia. Then she said, "All your paperwork is in place, congratulations, they are yours." And we all left the room. I was in awe of God who looked over every piece of paperwork and every hand that touched our case. It was final, he is our son! Here's a few pictures of us on court day.
We spent the next day loving on our sweet guy and preparing to head back to the states. I knew what lay ahead but my heart was broken. Betty had told me at lunch that she could see I was sad. I fed Noah and rocked him to sleep that night. I had to go get ready for the airport and I was so overwhelmed I gave Noah to Dan and went to our room. I simply could not hand him back to his nanny. Moms can you imagine?? Can you imagine handing your 3 day old back to the doctor until your birth certificate or social security number came through?? It was the hardest thing I've ever done. (Y'all give my husband some sympathy for putting up with me on the plane ride home.) And lets be real. If we had the funds and I could convince my husband I would get on a plane tonight, leave the girls in the care of their dad and gran, and stay there until he could come home.
The only word that can even come close to how I feel is grief. I don't know if I have ever really grieved over anything before, but I am over this time apart from my son. I realize he doesn't know any better, but I do. I'm grieved over very painful parts of his past that one day I'll have to tell him. Putting all his sweet things away fills me with such sadness that he is so far from me and in an orphanage I feel paralyzed. The transition house is incredible. The nannies love those babies and the director's wife checks on them every day. But my son is in an orphanage. His paper work is in the process of being changed over to our last name and his passport is being made with our name and he is being medically cleared by the US, again. So we are waiting. And once again I am praying the same prayer that I did the morning of court. That the God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, mighty, and awesome God, who is bigger than the US embassy, would bring about a miracle and get my Noah home in an amount of time that could only be the result of God bringing justice to the fatherless. He is capable and I am asking.
I would like to tell you that I came across a verse or a person said something so inspirational to me that I can carry on joyfully and trusting in the Lord's perfect timing to bring Noah home. But it isn't true. It's not that I haven't looked or haven't listened. I read about Hannah and how she had the son she had prayed for and gave him over to the Lord. I read about the lost son whose father rejoiced when he returned home (Let me tell you, there will be a celebration when Noah comes home!). I listen to people tell me he'll be home soon, and he's so little he doesn't know. It's all true. But my heart still aches. And it isn't that I don't trust God's timing. I thought about God adopting me and making me His daughter. That He sacrificed so much more than I am sacrificing to be Noah's mom. He let Jesus die for me. Nothing compares to that. I wonder if God feels this way when we become His children and just stay where we were and like we were before we became His children. If we are content to stay in an orphanage like setting because all of our basic needs are met because we are too scared to be obedient and go do what God, who loves His children, has called us to do. I wonder if He is grieved at all the blessings we are missing. I'm grieved at all Noah is missing, every day he is missing love from his mom and dad and sisters. He's missing what it means to be in a family. I'm grieved over all I'm missing, his smiles and giggles every day, how he's growing. The difference is Noah can't decide for himself. He's where he is because of logistics of government. But probably if we could explain it to him, he might resist. Hey little guy would you like to be handed over to strangers who don't look anything like you, get in steel box for 17 hours, and go live far away where you don't understand what anyone is saying? He might rather stay were he is comfortable and where he thinks all his needs are being met. But we know we have something far greater to offer him and can't wait to bring him home. Noah doesn't have the option like we do or like the lost son in Luke did. I just wonder how much I'm missing out on by thinking all my needs are being met, I must be just where God has me to be. When God has so much more if we are willing to follow Him, to go far away from home, from what we know and love and find comfort in. Oh the blessings that must be in store. So maybe I lack faith in trusting God's timing or maybe I love Noah like I'm supposed to love my son and can't wait to celebrate his homecoming.
I mean check him out...can you blame me??
This is him in his Christmas pajamas holding a picture of his sisters. Can't wait for all of them to be together. As Bella Kate almost daily says, "Noah will be so happy to see me!"
I have never been in a court room in the US and the only images in my mind are the ones on TV. This courthouse was nothing special. You could easily drive by it and not notice it. Up on the third floor we waited in a room lined with chairs with 50 other people. I wondered if any of the young women were there to relinquish rights to their child, I was heartbroken for them. We didn't wait long and soon all four families there with our agency were taken into a smaller room lined with chairs where we all sat down. A beautiful Ethiopian woman sat behind a very ordinary desk. The judge's "court room" was simple and sort of run down. She called out the names of our children. She asked all of us simple questions and we answered in unison. She explained how important it was that we know that this is irreversible and permanent (Praise the Lord!). She also encouraged us to teach our children about Ethiopia. Then she said, "All your paperwork is in place, congratulations, they are yours." And we all left the room. I was in awe of God who looked over every piece of paperwork and every hand that touched our case. It was final, he is our son! Here's a few pictures of us on court day.
We spent the next day loving on our sweet guy and preparing to head back to the states. I knew what lay ahead but my heart was broken. Betty had told me at lunch that she could see I was sad. I fed Noah and rocked him to sleep that night. I had to go get ready for the airport and I was so overwhelmed I gave Noah to Dan and went to our room. I simply could not hand him back to his nanny. Moms can you imagine?? Can you imagine handing your 3 day old back to the doctor until your birth certificate or social security number came through?? It was the hardest thing I've ever done. (Y'all give my husband some sympathy for putting up with me on the plane ride home.) And lets be real. If we had the funds and I could convince my husband I would get on a plane tonight, leave the girls in the care of their dad and gran, and stay there until he could come home.
The only word that can even come close to how I feel is grief. I don't know if I have ever really grieved over anything before, but I am over this time apart from my son. I realize he doesn't know any better, but I do. I'm grieved over very painful parts of his past that one day I'll have to tell him. Putting all his sweet things away fills me with such sadness that he is so far from me and in an orphanage I feel paralyzed. The transition house is incredible. The nannies love those babies and the director's wife checks on them every day. But my son is in an orphanage. His paper work is in the process of being changed over to our last name and his passport is being made with our name and he is being medically cleared by the US, again. So we are waiting. And once again I am praying the same prayer that I did the morning of court. That the God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, mighty, and awesome God, who is bigger than the US embassy, would bring about a miracle and get my Noah home in an amount of time that could only be the result of God bringing justice to the fatherless. He is capable and I am asking.
I would like to tell you that I came across a verse or a person said something so inspirational to me that I can carry on joyfully and trusting in the Lord's perfect timing to bring Noah home. But it isn't true. It's not that I haven't looked or haven't listened. I read about Hannah and how she had the son she had prayed for and gave him over to the Lord. I read about the lost son whose father rejoiced when he returned home (Let me tell you, there will be a celebration when Noah comes home!). I listen to people tell me he'll be home soon, and he's so little he doesn't know. It's all true. But my heart still aches. And it isn't that I don't trust God's timing. I thought about God adopting me and making me His daughter. That He sacrificed so much more than I am sacrificing to be Noah's mom. He let Jesus die for me. Nothing compares to that. I wonder if God feels this way when we become His children and just stay where we were and like we were before we became His children. If we are content to stay in an orphanage like setting because all of our basic needs are met because we are too scared to be obedient and go do what God, who loves His children, has called us to do. I wonder if He is grieved at all the blessings we are missing. I'm grieved at all Noah is missing, every day he is missing love from his mom and dad and sisters. He's missing what it means to be in a family. I'm grieved over all I'm missing, his smiles and giggles every day, how he's growing. The difference is Noah can't decide for himself. He's where he is because of logistics of government. But probably if we could explain it to him, he might resist. Hey little guy would you like to be handed over to strangers who don't look anything like you, get in steel box for 17 hours, and go live far away where you don't understand what anyone is saying? He might rather stay were he is comfortable and where he thinks all his needs are being met. But we know we have something far greater to offer him and can't wait to bring him home. Noah doesn't have the option like we do or like the lost son in Luke did. I just wonder how much I'm missing out on by thinking all my needs are being met, I must be just where God has me to be. When God has so much more if we are willing to follow Him, to go far away from home, from what we know and love and find comfort in. Oh the blessings that must be in store. So maybe I lack faith in trusting God's timing or maybe I love Noah like I'm supposed to love my son and can't wait to celebrate his homecoming.
I mean check him out...can you blame me??
This is him in his Christmas pajamas holding a picture of his sisters. Can't wait for all of them to be together. As Bella Kate almost daily says, "Noah will be so happy to see me!"
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Meetcha Day!
It's been a while. Since we returned home on Christmas Eve things have been crazy! We celebrated the birth of our Savior and tried to figure out what time it was. We visited family out of town and had some sickness. Now life is starting to get back into a groove. It's important that I write about our trip, where our adoption is and how I'm feeling about it. It's important for Noah one day and I hope to be an encouragement to other adoptive families, as well as paint a realistic picture. The times I have picked up the computer to write I haven't found the words. But I'm going to give it a try.
It only took an hour for me to get spit up on (it was a little more extreme but I'll save you the details) so I took the opportunity to put him in a "boy" shirt.
This one melts my heart...wish I was there right now.
We landed in beautiful Ethiopia on Tuesday, December 20th about 8am. The bright African sun and warm breeze were so welcome after the very long flight. Standing in line to get our visa was an appropriate depiction of African time and culture. There were two men sitting at a table hand writing visas for the 100 plus people in line. They were not in hurry. They were not being lazy either. They had their work in front of them and took a pace that we might consider slow and went about what they had to do. I love Africa and I love the people. We laughed as we watched the man write out my visa and pause to chat with the other man then continue writing. We finally got through the line and headed to get our luggage. We made our way out and standing in front of the many people waiting was Woudneh, our in country director. What a welcome site! He got us to the car where our driver took us to the transition house. We pulled in the gate and I saw a beautiful little garden that welcomed us into the guest house. I was yards away from our son. All I wanted to do was go and squeeze him. But because Ethiopians are so hospitable we had to eat first. A very delicious breakfast was served of eggs and homemade bread. Then sweet Betty (Woudneh's wife) came in and I told her we were waiting to meet Noah. She said, "Oh, I will go get him." I could have kissed her! So we waited...a little excitedly!
And I know we look awesome...please remember that we just got off an almost 13 hour flight and it was about 2 am our time! And No we did not realize that we both had on red until we looked at the pictures :)
Then I saw him, reached for him, and he smiled! My breath was taken away and I was in love.
Our precious son, a gift from God was finally in my arms. He is beautiful and perfect. He smiled and laughed and played with my hair. I gave him lots of kisses and squeezes. Mostly I just stared. Because for 10 months we have been praying for this sweet boy, praying for his birth mom and his journey to get home to us. At that time he was still in the womb. Now he was in my arms and I could not have been more elated.
I do realize he has on pink, I promise he is a boy! They don't really have gender identity like we do with color and it's an orphanage....you have to use what you have.
After I caught my breath and thanked God for blessing us with this sweet boy I let Dan hold him a little :)
We spent the day loving on Noah, feeding him, rocking him to sleep. It was perfection.
It only took an hour for me to get spit up on (it was a little more extreme but I'll save you the details) so I took the opportunity to put him in a "boy" shirt.
This one melts my heart...wish I was there right now.
After Noah went back to the nanny for the night Woudneh and Betty took all the families to a traditional Ethiopian dinner. The food was AMAZING and the entertainment was great. It's probably a good thing there was singing and dancing because Dan and I were about fall face forward asleep. Here's a picture of us at dinner.
It was one of the most beautiful perfect days in my life. I had anticipated it for months and holding him for the first time brought on emotions that have no words. Just like when the doctor handed me our girls. It was love. Hopefully I'll get to write more about the rest of our trip and court date soon! Please keep praying that Noah will be in my arms forever very soon.
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